pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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