Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize