she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
