oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
