I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
