I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
