my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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