If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
