EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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