I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
