I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
