Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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