nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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