um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
