I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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