meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
