Umm I'm too high to move.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
