i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
