If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
