What did we do last night that was yellow?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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