Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
What drink are we having for lunch?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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