i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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