I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
