So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
