Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
