let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
