they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
