In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
