Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
YAS. BRING CRAB.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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