Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
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