My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
