My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
