I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
