He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
