did you get engaged???
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
