Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
