I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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