Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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