he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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