I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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