when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
