i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
