tell your sister to shave her snatch
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize