respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Randomize
