I just pynch a tree in the face
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
