My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
