"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
