True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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