I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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