I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
