I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
