Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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