So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
