I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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