she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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