How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
