I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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