when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
