if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
