oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
