I can text with my tongue
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
