i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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