It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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