Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
