Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
